Hacked Off

The “Fappening” exposed several celebrities’ most intimate moments against their will, without their consent, and for the whole world to see. This hacking is shameful, illegal, disconcerting for any of us who may have something in the cloud we wish to remain there under password lock and key, and further illustrates the limitations of cyber security.

With its attendant coverage (both high minded and low brow) we will surely see changes to cloud protocols, admonishments about “digital perpetuity” and a host of other well-intentioned measures to keep our private lives and our privates just that.

That’s all well and good, but I think it misses the point. Security isn’t really at the eye of this storm. Shame is. Most people are far less upset about the fact our data might be exposed than our dates might be.

My solution to this kind of trauma and drama is to take the snatched booty out of the purloined and prurient and put it squarely where it belongs— in the Department of Redundancy Department.

Let me illustrate.

You see, it turns out Jennifer Lawrence has breasts. These breasts have nipples. She’s even got a vagina.

You don’t say.  Yawn.

My wife and every other woman with whom I’m familiar have the exact same equipment. While there are slight differences, they’re essentially the same.

It’s not news, so we shouldn’t give it the front page treatment. In fact, people might not act like thieves stealing our candid images if we didn’t act like ours were the Crown jewels. I’m not blaming the victim. I’m saying the only thing that was exposed was the victims’ humanity. They shouldn’t get a scarlet letter tattoo despite the fact that a perfectly innocuous picture of Olivia Wilde breastfeeding her newborn son had some reacting as if it was eighteenth century Salem.  He’s a baby. Baby’s drink breast milk. Breast milk is commonly found in breasts. I don’t think we need a CNN Crossfire to discuss it or debate her right to do it.

We’re acting as though we “discovered” through relentless traditional and social media coverage of this unfortunate crime that some of our young and famous celebrities like to have sex— sex on their backs, fronts, knees and sides.

Me too. Whenever I can. No big deal. Ask my wife;)

Instead of sensationalizing our bodies and what they do on occasion let’s commonsensationalize it.

Especially now.

Putin seems to be channeling his inner Stalin. ISIS is beheading people. Boko Haram is kidnapping girls by the thousands. Ebola is spreading like wild fire. Tens of thousands of children are huddled in makeshift shelters in the Land of the Free and I’m supposed to care that Kate Upton has had sex? And leave Apple alone. This predates Apple to when we bit the Apple and it’s high time we got over it.

Everyone gets naked. Everyone of a certain age has sex. Those two things are done in combination because it’s fun. No story. No news. Nothing to see here.

Certainly nothing to steal.

Criticize bad acting on the silver screen. Leave it alone on the tablet.